Asleep

Sing me to sleep, I'm tired and I want to go to bed. Sing me to sleep and then leave me alone. Don't try to wake me in the morning cause I will be gone. Don't feel bad for me. I want you to know deep in the cell of my heart I will feel so glad to go. Sing me to sleep, I don't want to wake up on my own anymore. Sing to me. Don't feel bad for me, I want you to know, deep in the cell of my heart I really want to go. There is another world, there is a better world. There must be.

My letter to Charlie: inspired by charliesfriend.blogspot.com

Dear Friend,

I, like most everyone, am both happy and sad and I am still trying to figure out how that could be. Usually I am more happy than sad, and honestly, I think that happiness and sadness are both beautiful in their own ways. When someone's eyes fill with tears, just before any water actually leaks out; I think that is very beautiful. I think the feeling of sadness is a little beautiful. But I also think that being happy is beautiful. Maybe that is why I sometimes think that being very happy and being very sad feel a little bit the same.
Lately I have been more sad than happy though. And I know a lot of reasons for that. I wont get into them; I'll just say that sometimes I think I might need a little help. Once I had a therapist. But she didn't say anything helpful really except that I should find something to help with my anxiety and it didn't have to be the same as what anyone else does. But she didn't help me figure out what to do... a Hindu temple worker and yoga instructor taught me.
Now I just feel very tired though. I haven't slept much the last few days. Maybe tomorrow I will just sleep all day. But I always feel yucky when I do that. I just wish I had more things to do so I didn't feel so useless.
Anyway, I just made plans for Halloween, which isn't for another five months, but these plans are epic and I think I will continue to be excited for them throughout the next five months. On that note, I think I will leave now. I like to leave things on a happy note.

Love Always,
Jenna

What girls are really saying.

I'm sure you've been in a situation where two girls you know are in the same place. You happen to know that these two girls can't stand each other. They are forced into the same circle at some point and girl 1 turns to girl 2 and says something along the lines of "Wow, you look really pretty today." The other girl looks taken aback but quickly composes herself before responding, with psudo-humility, "Oh, thanks. You do too." Then they ignore each other. Both girls are radiating tension and haughtiness.
Why?
Why are they seeming so keyed up when the conversation was so obviously pleasant?
Why, if they dislike each other so much, did they even compliment each other in the first place?

Because they didn't REALLY say what everyone heard them say. Most girls, even the ones guilty of the above exchange, don't know what was really said, other than sub-consciously. But, if you could hear the undertones of the conversation, and what both girls were sub-consciously thinking, feeling, and trying to convey, it would have sounded something like this:

Girl 1- "I dislike you very much and I'd like you to notice that I look very pretty right now."
Girl 2- "Oh yeah? I dislike you as well, and you don't look as good as you think you do."

Think about it ladies, most of you have been in this situation. Even if you were passing this girl on the stairs or bumped into her at a restaurant. You usually don't speak to her, but a mutual friend was with her or your boyfiend's are buddies or something, so on this occasion an exchange of words was called for.

I would like to think that girls have the ability to be genuinly sweet, kind, forgiving, and sincere. But the sad truth is that even if we do possess these qualities some of our tendancies are vidictive, manipulative, and caddy.

There are plenty of girly double-speak examples out there. I hear them all the time. Occasionally, (although I hate to admit it) they even involve me. Listen for them in the future, you'll be amazed.

Today I blew up a dish.

I am a pretty smart girl. I just don't always have a whole lot of common sense. For example; since I have moved home I have been cooking a lot. I'm thinking that I'll be married eventually, with a family, and I really should learn how to cook beyond mac & cheese and boxed brownies while my parents are buying all the ingredients. Anyway, I moved home the second week of March and since then I have ruined three dishes.

The first dish was a large glass platter. I was making something in a huge skillet and I couldn't find a lid big enough to cover it. The recipe said "cover 10-12 minutes, stirring occasionally." So I saw the platter and covered it with that. I had used plates as lids in the past and never had a problem so I didn't even think about it. That is, until I heard a sound like a gun shot echo through my kitchen! I screamed and then realized that I'd split the platter right down the middle.

The second was the crockpot stonewear. My recipe called for searing a roast over oil heated to medium-high. I was cooking the roast in the crockpot stonewear in the oven so I just put it on the stove. Again, the sound like a gun shot as a large crack appeared down the side and through half the bottom of the dish. Damn it.

Now, while I am sure the first and second dishes were the direct result of my own stupidity, I'm not sure that the third one was, although it was the most dramatic by far.
I was making biscuits this morning. I was supposed to put the biscuits in a round baking dish. So I looked through my cupboard and found one. I looked on the bottom, which read "Oven and Microwave Safe". Wonderful! I baked my biscuits on 450 for about nine minutes and when they were golden brown I took them out and set them on top of the stove. Then I began cleaning up a bit to give the biscuits time to cool down before I removed them. Suddenly there was a huge crash! and something hit my foot. I jumped and came down on something sharp. I looked toward the stove and there were my biscuits over a pile of shattered glass. I was totally surrounded on the floor too, and barefoot (don't worry, I didn't cut myself badly at all).
Henry came over and swept up for me so that I could move. Then I cleaned off the stove. I don't really know what I did wrong this time. Henry said it must of just cooled down too fast... ?

Whatever, I'm not really the sharpest crayon in the box ya know? I should probably move out and start buying my own dishes before I ruin all of my parent's cooking things though... at least I haven't melted any spatulas yet.

The Blind Side, Nicole's house, and chickenpox.

I watched The Blind Side tonight. I only have two more Best Picture Nominees to watch to have seen them all for last year. I loved it. To be fair though, I pretty much love all football movies. I just love football.
Henry and I went to the SLC area on Tuesday. We spent some time at his "mom" Lori's house and his "mom" Carla's. We went up to basically just drop off his kitchen stuff because he doesn't have a cooking apartment at the dorms anymore. We spent the first night at his friend Mitch's house. But on Wednesday he had a really bad headache and didn't get up until about 5. We got to my cousin Nicole's house around 7 and he slept in Nicole's daughter's room until she needed to go to bed. We set up on an air mattress in the living room and he was feeling really sick. He was really warm and he was tossing and turning all night. The next morning we realized that he has the chickenpox. Seriously.
The poor boy is nineteen years old. He has already had the pox and now he has them again. He is broken out all over his body, has terrible headaches and is nauseated off and on. To make matters worse, he is enrolled in summer semester at CEU and it starts on Monday. He wont be able to go for probably a week.
I feel so bad for him!! :( So This next week I will be playing Jenna the nurse.

Watched Inglorious Basterds tonight. Two thumbs up. I LOVE that movie. It's my favorite Q.T. film. Now we're going to watch Precious. . . I'm kinda scared about how I'll handle it. But Henry has promised to play the comforter roll as I have the emtional breakdown this movie is sure to induce.

Love.

Kelton blogged about being a hopeless romantic the other day and I started to leave him this super long comment but then I realized I should probably just put it as a blog because it was getting too involved. I guess I just want to write about my experience with love.
I know there are some people who say that from the moment they met their significant other there were sparks and fireworks and every moment after that was perfect and they felt like they had known each other forever and ever by their third conversation. That is not how love has been for me.
We started dating under less-than-romantic circumstances. Looking at our backgrounds you'd think we were a very strange match. There was chemistry when we first met, but no fireworks. I wasn't sure we'd be good together when we decided to be exclusive. But as we dated and got to know each other I was content with our relationship. It was fun and I was happy with it... for now. It didn't occur to me that I would really fall in love with him. Then, every now and then there would be a moment where I was more than just happy. I was perfectly happy. There was no room for doubts or misgivings or unhappiness in my heart for that moment and it was because I was with him. Still no fireworks... just a perfect happy moment. Those moments became more and more frequent when I was with him. He'd say something or we'd go somewhere fun or he'd take my hand out of nowhere. I thought I loved him when I felt that way even when he wasn't around. Then, we fought. And after our first real, knock down, drag out fight I knew for sure that I loved him. I loved how we resolved it. I loved how I never thought that this situation would affect us in our relationship. Still no fireworks. Instead, there was confidence, understanding, compromise, and forgiveness. And that felt better than fireworks.
Honestly, our first kiss sucked. Neither of us had intentions for a relationship. I knew that I would be just fine without him if he never called me back. But since then, it has become the best relationship I've ever been in. I would not be okay at all without him, and we've had plenty of kisses that make up for that first one.
I don't feel like I've known him forever, even now, after 6 months. I don't understand everything about him. I can't always predict his moods or know what he is feeling just by looking at him.
But I do know that I want to spend the rest of forever knowing him. I want to learn everything about him and become so much a part of him that I can predict his moods and know what he feels all the time. It will take years. Decades. And I'm so excited for it.
That is how I know I love him. And if you ask me, the way I am with him now, is so much better than the way I used to hope I would fall in love.

Writing movies and such.

Boyfriend is a writer these days. He is writing a screenplay right now that is going to pretty epic judging by the first five scenes and the fact that I know the concept behind it. Look out for his stuff in a couple years. He also has a couple of nearly completed scrips that he's written as colaborations with other asspiring writers (shout out to Mitch W.). I started to write a play about a unit at a mental hospital. If I can do it correctly it should be pretty original and interesting.. I don't know if I can do it correctly though haha. I'll probably need some third party assistance (you reading this Kelton, because that means you). I'm more of a short story writer though. I started writing this story about my freshman year spring break experience about a year ago but never finished it and ended up throwing it away because it still hit home to much. But I've re-started. I think it's important for me to write it down. I may try to get it published at some point when it is finished, although there will be some changes from the original story. That is one of the main reasons I decided to start blogging I guess, I need to get back into the swing of writing. I've been out of it for a long time. I used to write a lot but just haven't had the time or motivation for awhile. Hopefully I will be able to start feeling it again and get ideas and urges to share my thoughts more often if I'm writing more often. Even if it is just my pointless ramblings about parts of my life that are, more than likely, monotenous for other people to read.

List #s 3 and 4: Boyfriend Rules and Girlfriend Rules. (Very generalized)

Boyfriend Rules: .He has to think you are the prettiest girl in the world, or at least tell you so. .He must be willing to watch the movies you like occasionally. .He must be nice to your family. .He must be willing to dance with you, even if it is just when you are completely alone. .He has to want to support you, although the economic conditions now-a-days probably render that impossible in full. .He has to give a valiant effort to eat whatever you try to cook for him.
Girlfriend Rules: .Give him space when he's mad. .Keep the gossip to a minimum (he doesn't care). .Be willing to watch the movies he likes occasionally. .Remember that he needs compliments too. .Be nice to his family. .Be willing to pay sometimes. .Try to cook for him. .Filter your PMS-induced self-righteousness. .Give him warning when you're feeling hyper-sensitive. .Don't expect him to change for you.

Late night ramble.

I get sensitive when it's late. Everything hurts my feelings. I'm sensitive anyway, I don't take critizism well, I'm terrified of confrontation. I think it's mostly just because I'm really insecure. Any arrogance I may have is derived from insecurity. I am so afraid that I'm not good enough. I don't even know what I'm supossed to be good enough for. I have this weird idea of what people want and I don't want to be that so I just assume I'm never going to be what I should be. Now, when I can shut off the emotions for a little while and just think clearly I understand that I am who I want to be. I do the things I want to do and I am happy with my life and where I am. But those moments are rare and usually my insecurities get the better of me espessially when it is late at night when my brain starts to shut down. Then I get touchy as hell. Everything bothers me. Anything that anyone will say to me makes me feel bad. Then I get defensive and angry. Oh well. Everyone has flaws.